Image of Me/Why I’m Here

Do you ever truly see yourself? How much time do you take to think about what you see? Do you remember the first time? Did it change you?

I remember one of the first moments of seeing myself clearly…

A few years ago I came across some stencilled graffiti in a park that has stayed with me and has turned out to be a huge paradigm changer. Simple text, spray painted pink and repeated a few times were the words ‘you are what you repeatedly do’. Again and again, ‘you are what you repeatedly do’, ‘you are what you repeatedly do’, ‘you are what you repeatedly do‘. Frankly this scared the shit out of me. For the first time I saw that the person I thought I was was nothing at all like the real tangible me who lived, moved and interacted with the world … Despite all the rebellious declarations, despite how open-minded and progressive I thought I was, despite the long list of causes that I paid so much lip service to, my life in every way upheld everything I didn’t believe in:

– I did nothing for causes I care about.

– I worked for a large company doing a job I hated and didn’t believe in. While the bosses tried to¬†convince me to join the interminable scramble up the ladder, I seethed with frustration and anarchist fantasies of tearing the whole structure down. Yet I stayed there for 5 or 6 years.

– I talked big words like freedom, adventure and expression; but in reality I was anxious, passionless, and totally co-dependant.

Basically, I had the horrible realisation that I was scared of everything. That most of my decisions were made in one way or another out of fear.

An extremely difficult thing to accept, because till that day in the park, I had believed in a very different image of me.

So.. I’m here on a whim. Here because I’m afraid to be here. Here as a first step in trying to bridge that gap between the image of me and tangible me.

I’m here because other people’s blogs have helped me. They’ve educated me, got me riled, made me smile, made me feel a little less disconnected. Now I figure it’s time to stop watching from afar and try to join the conversation.

And hopefully this won’t be too ball-achingly boring for you either!

Thanks for reading…

Image of Me/Why I’m Here

Little Black Book of Doom

Dec 13 – We didn’t even catch the meteor shower the clouds were so dense. Regardless, the late night trip to the roof left me feeling a tiny bit of life had returned.

Dec 30 – I haven’t felt too much of that life over Christmas. I’ve got a real problem being myself around other people. Not being myself gets tiring. And not being able to be myself is exhausting. It bums me out, sets my thoughts on a rapid downward spiral, and once that reaches free fall I’m not getting any sleep… I don’t know what I’m supposed to be changing here – me, or the people I’m around. As in the people I choose to be around. I guess if I change myself then the rest of it, like the people I find myself with, will just naturally change if it needs to.

Maybe. I don’t know.

I don’t know what it is right now, but I hate everything about myself. I hide in a relationship with Takes It Too Far Boy. And we hide together under the duvet, watching tv endlessly. I hate myself for it. I hate that I’ve started this journal. I can’t stand my limp, dull, self-centered snivelling. Am I taking the piss making out that this is helping me to understand myself and move on? Or is this just another thing I hide behind? Another shitty fucking distraction before I actually start living a life. Am I ever going to have that boot up my arse, that fire in my belly?¬† My life is inert. It’s dead. But I suppose not really, because I could revive it. In theory anyway.

So what’s stopping me? What am I so afraid of? What the fuck is scarier than death?

Life. Apparently…

Little Black Book of Doom