Do you ever truly see yourself? How much time do you take to think about what you see? Do you remember the first time? Did it change you?
I remember one of the first moments of seeing myself clearly…
A few years ago I came across some stencilled graffiti in a park that has stayed with me and has turned out to be a huge paradigm changer. Simple text, spray painted pink and repeated a few times were the words ‘you are what you repeatedly do’. Again and again, ‘you are what you repeatedly do’, ‘you are what you repeatedly do’, ‘you are what you repeatedly do‘. Frankly this scared the shit out of me. For the first time I saw that the person I thought I was was nothing at all like the real tangible me who lived, moved and interacted with the world … Despite all the rebellious declarations, despite how open-minded and progressive I thought I was, despite the long list of causes that I paid so much lip service to, my life in every way upheld everything I didn’t believe in:
– I did nothing for causes I care about.
– I worked for a large company doing a job I hated and didn’t believe in. While the bosses tried to convince me to join the interminable scramble up the ladder, I seethed with frustration and anarchist fantasies of tearing the whole structure down. Yet I stayed there for 5 or 6 years.
– I talked big words like freedom, adventure and expression; but in reality I was anxious, passionless, and totally co-dependant.
Basically, I had the horrible realisation that I was scared of everything. That most of my decisions were made in one way or another out of fear.
An extremely difficult thing to accept, because till that day in the park, I had believed in a very different image of me.
So.. I’m here on a whim. Here because I’m afraid to be here. Here as a first step in trying to bridge that gap between the image of me and tangible me.
I’m here because other people’s blogs have helped me. They’ve educated me, got me riled, made me smile, made me feel a little less disconnected. Now I figure it’s time to stop watching from afar and try to join the conversation.
And hopefully this won’t be too ball-achingly boring for you either!
Thanks for reading…